When Red Flags Feel Like Butterflies: Why Anxiety & Excitement Get Confused After Trauma
You say "no", they push your boundaries, and you feel butterflies. Why does "misattribution of arousal" happen, and how does it show up?
Understanding Misattribution of Arousal in Abuse Dynamics
(Listen to this with the triangle play button on Substack.)
Have you ever felt an intense attraction to someone who repeatedly crosses your boundaries? Found yourself drawn back to a relationship that friends and family warn you about? Felt strangely exhilarated during high-pressure situations at work? You might be experiencing something called "misattribution of arousal" – a psychological phenomenon that can keep you trapped in cycles of narcissistic abuse and manipulation.
What Is Misattribution of Arousal?
Misattribution of arousal happens when your body experiences heightened physical sensations in response to stress, fear, or anxiety – but your mind incorrectly labels those sensations as attraction, excitement, or even love.
Our brains rely on context to interpret physical sensations. If a racing heart happens on a roller coaster, we call it excitement. If it happens during a violation of boundaries, we should recognize it as fear—but in the fog of manipulation, it often gets mislabeled as chemistry.
In narcissistic relationships, this means the very red flags that should warn you to leave instead create feelings that pull you closer to your abuser.
How It Feels: Common Scenarios
In Romantic Relationships
Imagine this situation:
You've clearly told your date you don't engage in physical intimacy so early in a relationship. But they keep pushing, touching you playfully, whispering "I bet you weren't expecting this" as they ignore your boundaries. Your heart races. Your breathing quickens. You feel a flutter in your stomach.
Instead of recognizing these physical responses as signs of fear, violation, or anxiety, you might interpret them as butterflies or sexual excitement. You give in, partly because you believe your body’s telling you that you're enjoying it, and partly because your fawn response—an instinctive trauma reaction where you people-please to stay safe—kicks in. The combination of misinterpreted physical sensations and the urge to appease the person pushing your boundaries creates a powerful override to your initial "no."
Note: Not all intense chemistry or physical attraction is unhealthy. The key difference is whether this intensity comes with respect for your boundaries or repeated violations of them. Healthy attraction might feel exciting but never pressures you to override your own limits or values. However, the scenario above is unquestioningly sexual assault.
In Professional Settings
Or consider this workplace scenario:
Your boss repeatedly singles you out in meetings, alternating between lavish praise and cutting criticism. When they call you into their office unexpectedly, your palms sweat and your stomach tightens. Rather than identifying these as stress responses to an unpredictable authority figure, you interpret them as signs that this job "keeps you on your toes" and is "never boring." You work late, take on extra projects, and tolerate inappropriate comments—partly because you've misinterpreted your anxiety as professional commitment, and partly because your trauma responses (fawning to avoid conflict, freezing when criticized) keep you locked in a pattern of overperforming to maintain safety.
What's really happening in both cases is a complex trauma response:
Your body enters a heightened state of arousal due to boundary violations
The stress hormones flooding your system create intense physical sensations
Your brain, seeking to make sense of the situation, mislabels these sensations as attraction
This confusion becomes especially powerful when mixed with moments of genuine connection
Why Your Brain Does This
This isn't weakness or a character flaw – it's how human psychology works. Our brains developed to quickly interpret physical sensations, and sometimes they make mistakes.
The Two-Way Confusion: When Excitement and Anxiety Become Indistinguishable
For people with Complex PTSD (CPTSD), particularly those who experienced childhood trauma or long-term narcissistic abuse, the relationship between excitement and anxiety becomes especially complicated:
Pattern 1: Mistaking Anxiety for Excitement (As described earlier) When boundary violations and emotional manipulation trigger stress responses that feel like attraction or chemistry.
Pattern 2: Mistaking Excitement for Anxiety Some trauma survivors experience the opposite problem: positive excitement feels threatening and is misinterpreted as anxiety. This happens because:
Your nervous system became hypervigilant during trauma, making any heightened arousal feel dangerous
You may have been punished for showing excitement or joy in the past
Vulnerability feels unsafe, so positive emotions that involve opening up register as threatening
Your body learned that feeling "too good" often preceded something bad happening
This can create challenges like:
Avoiding potential joys because they trigger anxiety symptoms
Feeling panic during what should be positive experiences like dates or celebrations
Gravitating toward emotional flatness as a "safe" state
Sabotaging relationships or opportunities when things start going well
Both patterns can exist simultaneously in the same person, creating a confusing landscape where emotional signals become scrambled and unreliable guides.
Several factors make this especially likely in abusive relationships:
Neurochemical confusion: Fear and attraction activate similar pathways in your brain and release similar chemicals. Adrenaline and cortisol, which surge during fear, overlap with dopamine, which spikes in moments of excitement. This dopamine release is particularly powerful during the "making up" phase after conflict, creating an addiction-like cycle that keeps you coming back despite the harm.
Intermittent reinforcement: The unpredictable cycles of kindness and cruelty from a narcissist create addiction-like patterns in your brain. Like a slot machine that pays out just enough to keep you playing, these random "rewards" of affection trigger powerful dopamine surges that keep you hooked despite the harm.
Cognitive dissonance: Your mind tries to resolve the contradiction between "this person says they care about me" and "this person hurts me"
Early conditioning: If you grew up with inconsistent caregiving, your brain may have been wired to associate anxiety with love
No one is funding my writing. If this saves you a therapy appointment, feel free to buy me lunch: Venmo @ellentift
Beyond Romance: Misattribution of Arousal in Other Contexts
While often discussed in terms of romantic relationships, misattribution of arousal can occur in many situations where power imbalances, high-stakes emotions, and manipulation exist:
At Work
Intense Bosses: The anxiety produced by a demanding, unpredictable boss can be misinterpreted as respect, admiration, or even mentorship.
Toxic Work Cultures: Many people describe harmful workplaces as "challenging" or "high-energy" when they're actually experiencing chronic stress responses.
Example: A team member feels their heart race during meetings with an intimidating manager. Rather than recognizing this as fear, they interpret it as being 'challenged' or 'inspired,' leading them to tolerate abuse and overwork themselves to earn approval. They work late, take on extra projects, and tolerate inappropriate comments—partly because they've misinterpreted their anxiety as professional commitment. (While performance-based self-worth, fear of job loss, and workplace power dynamics also contribute to staying in toxic environments, this misreading of stress signals as professional engagement is often what normalizes the experience day-to-day.)
Note: Not all pressure or intensity at work is harmful. Healthy challenges that push you to grow while respecting your boundaries can create positive excitement. The key difference is whether the intensity is accompanied by respect, support, and clear expectations versus manipulation, humiliation, and constantly shifting goalposts.
In Church
Charismatic Leaders: The emotional intensity created in high-control groups can generate physical sensations misattributed as spiritual experiences or divine presence.
Love Bombing in Communities: New members receive overwhelming attention and validation, creating a rush of pleasurable emotions that mask red flags of future control.
Example: A congregant experiences lightheadedness and euphoria during emotionally manipulative services. Instead of recognizing the physiological stress response to fear-based teachings or sleep deprivation, they interpret it as 'feeling the spirit' and become more committed to a controlling religious group. (While social belonging needs, identity investment, and fear of ostracism may also play roles, the misattribution of physical arousal as spiritual experience is often the initial hook that keeps people engaged despite warning signs.)
In Politics
Propaganda and Fear: Authoritarian systems deliberately create anxiety that can be misattributed as excitement, patriotism, or righteousness.
Identity-Based Belonging: The relief of finding "your people" can mask the uncomfortable physical responses to extremist rhetoric.
Example: A citizen feels their heart pound while attending a political rally with inflammatory rhetoric. Instead of recognizing this as an alarm response, they interpret it as passion for the cause, strengthening their commitment to potentially harmful ideologies. (Though group identity, need for certainty, and distrust of those perceived as different also contribute to political extremism, this misinterpretation of physiological arousal as righteous fervor is a powerful mechanism that can override critical thinking.)
In Families
Controlling Parents: Children may mistake the anxiety induced by an unpredictable parent for love or special connection.
Sibling Dynamics: The arousal created by a manipulative sibling's drama might be misinterpreted as an exciting or important relationship.
Example: A family gathering creates knots in your stomach and tension in your shoulders. Rather than recognizing these as stress responses to toxic family patterns, you misinterpret the physical intensity as meaningful connection or evidence that you truly "care" about these relationships. This misattribution keeps you returning to harmful dynamics despite the physiological warning signs. (While other trauma responses may also be present—such as fawning behaviors, feelings of obligation, or caretaking roles—the misreading of physical stress signals as connection is a key factor in maintaining these patterns.)
The physiological mechanisms remain the same across contexts: stress responses (racing heart, shallow breathing, stomach flutters) are misinterpreted as positive excitement, passion, or importance. This misattribution keeps people committed to harmful situations and relationships despite clear evidence of negative impacts.
How to Break Free from Misattribution of Arousal
1. Educate Yourself
Understanding what's happening in your mind and body is the first step toward freedom:
Learn about trauma bonding and the cycle of narcissistic abuse
Recognize that physical arousal (racing heart, butterflies, etc.) can be stress responses
Understand that intensity is not the same as intimacy or love
2. Reconnect with Your Body's True Signals
Practice mindfulness to observe physical sensations without immediate judgment
Try this simple body scan: Gently check in with your body: Are your shoulders holding tension? Is your breath shallow? Is your stomach tight? These could be hints of stress, not excitement
Ask yourself: "Which feeling would be the most logical in this scenario, anxiety or excitement?"
Create a personal "feelings dictionary" that helps you distinguish between similar sensations
Notice when your body feels truly calm and safe versus "excited" but uneasy
Start with small, controlled positive experiences to relearn how healthy excitement feels (this doesn't have to be overwhelming—even tiny moments like enjoying a favorite song or the warmth of sunlight count, and it's okay to progress at your own pace)
Journal about both patterns: when anxiety feels like attraction/excitement AND when positive excitement triggers fear
Remember that your body can send mixed signals during recovery – be patient with the recalibration process
3. Examine Your Thoughts and Beliefs
Question thoughts like "maybe they're not so bad" or "this intensity means it's important/special"
Remember that healthy relationships, workplaces, communities, and causes feel safe, not constantly exciting or dramatic
Remind yourself that genuine connection doesn't require sacrificing your boundaries—in any context
Create a reality-check document listing specific instances of manipulation or harm to review when you feel pulled back
Notice when you justify staying in high-arousal situations with statements like "but I'm making a difference" or "they need me" or "it's just how this industry/group works"
4. Develop Emotional Regulation Skills
Practice grounding techniques when you feel overwhelmed by intense feelings
Use deep breathing to calm your nervous system when you notice arousal responses
Develop a self-soothing toolkit (meditation, physical movement, creative expression)
Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands narcissistic abuse
5. Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Implement no-contact or limited contact when possible with toxic individuals
Have clear scripts ready for necessary interactions with manipulative people or institutions
Identify and honor your non-negotiable boundaries in all contexts
Recognize that maintaining boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first
Look for patterns across different areas of your life where your boundaries may be compromised
Practice saying "I need to think about this" to short-circuit impulsive decisions driven by arousal
6. Focus on Healing and Self-Discovery
Rebuild connection with your authentic needs and desires
Engage in activities that build genuine self-esteem
Create new sources of meaning and joy independent of relationships
Grief is normal. You may mourn not just the relationship, but the person you hoped they could be. This is part of healing
Process the grief of discovering that what felt like chemistry was manipulation
Celebrate small victories in recognizing your body's true signals
Be patient with yourself – breaking free from misattribution of arousal takes time
No one funds my writing. If this post is helpful, feel free to buy me lunch: Venmo @ellentift
Important Reminders
This is not consent: Physical arousal during boundary violations is not consent. In romantic contexts, any sexual activity without enthusiastic consent is assault. In other contexts, your physiological responses don't mean you've agreed to exploitation or manipulation.
This is not your fault: Your responses are normal human reactions to abnormal treatment. Your body is doing exactly what it’s wired to do—you're just learning to interpret the signals more accurately.
These dynamics exist everywhere: We've focused on several contexts, but misattribution of arousal can occur in any high-stakes, emotionally charged situation where power imbalances exist.
Collective misattribution is powerful: Groups can reinforce this misattribution, making it harder to trust your own perceptions. When everyone around you seems to interpret intensity as meaningful, your clarity becomes an act of courage.
Recovery is possible: With understanding and support, you can heal from these patterns and develop healthy relationships with individuals, organizations, and communities where emotional intensity comes from genuine connection, not manipulation or fear.
Healing means learning to trust yourself again. The goal isn't to suppress emotions but to decode them accurately—so you can recognize real safety, not just familiarity.
Remember: The most intense "chemistry" is often a warning sign, not a green light. True connection—whether in relationships, workplaces, or communities—feels like coming home to yourself, not losing yourself in someone or something else.
Resources for Support and Recovery
If you recognize these patterns in your relationships or experiences, you don't have to navigate recovery alone. Consider reaching out to these resources:
For Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Abuse
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
Love Is Respect (for young people): 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522
For Workplace Harassment and Toxic Work Environments
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC): 1-800-669-4000
Workplace Fairness: Resources at workplacefairness.org
For Support with Religious or Cult Abuse
International Cultic Studies Association: Resources at icsahome.com
Recovering From Religion: 1-844-368-2848
For Complex Trauma and CPTSD
Complex PTSD Foundation: Resources at cptsdfoundation.org
CPTSD Support Subreddit: reddit.com/r/CPTSD
For Culturally-Responsive Support
Therapy for Black Girls Directory: therapyforblackgirls.com
National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network: nqttcn.com
Asian Mental Health Collective: asianmhc.org
Latinx Therapy: latinxtherapy.com
Before seeking help, ensure you can do so safely, particularly if you're in an abusive relationship where your communications might be monitored.
Remember: Breaking free from misattribution of arousal and trauma bonds is a journey that takes time. Each step toward understanding your experiences is a victory worth celebrating.
This article is meant to provide information and support but is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're in immediate danger, please contact emergency services.
Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my forthcoming book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊
About the Author
Ellen Tift is a university educator, informed voice in trauma recovery, and veteran musician. With nearly three decades as a music professor, she brings the same depth of dedication to her work on narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, and Complex PTSD as she does to her musical scholarship.
Her expertise in narcissistic family dynamics stems from both extensive research and lived experience as a survivor. Having navigated the complex journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, she blends scholarly rigor with profound personal insight, offering readers both intellectual understanding and emotional validation.
A passionate educator at heart, she excels at translating complex psychological concepts into accessible, compassionate guidance for fellow survivors. Her work is the result of thousands of hours studying trauma research, consulting with mental health professionals, and engaging with survivor communities—all shaped by her dual perspective as both an academic and someone who has walked the healing path herself.
Her forthcoming book, “There’s A Word for That: A Survivor’s Guide to Narcissistic Abuse & Complex Trauma,” reflects her deep commitment to empowering others through knowledge, clarity, and compassion—skills honed through decades in higher education and personal recovery.