Flying Monkeys: How to Deal with Puppets in a Narcissist's Game

Who's really pulling the strings when friends and family turn against you? Learn to identify the warning signs, protect your boundaries, and reclaim your sanity.

Flying Monkeys: Understanding and Confronting the Enablers of Narcissistic Abuse

(Listen to this with the triangle play button on Substack.)

Owen's text arrived just as Camille was finishing her Saturday morning run.

"Hey, just checking in. Gregory mentioned you've been going through a rough patch. Want to grab coffee? I'm worried about you."

Camille stared at her phone, a familiar heaviness settling in her stomach. Owen had been her friend for nearly a decade—long before she'd ever met Gregory. Now, three months after finally leaving her emotionally abusive marriage, Owen had become an unwitting messenger in Gregory's campaign to monitor and control her life.

This wasn't the first time. Last week, Owen had casually mentioned that Gregory was "really trying to change" and "genuinely missed her." The week before, he'd asked pointed questions about whether she was seeing anyone new, then looked uncomfortable when she asked why he wanted to know.

Camille sat on a park bench, catching her breath as she composed a response. She knew Owen cared about her. He'd always been kind and supportive—which made his current role in Gregory's manipulation all the more painful. Owen had only seen Gregory's charming, public face—the thoughtful husband who remembered everyone's birthdays and always offered to help with home projects. He hadn't witnessed the private Gregory who systematically isolated Camille, criticized her appearance and decisions, and exploded in rage when she questioned him about suspicious texts from other women.

What Owen couldn't see was how Gregory was using their friendship as a pipeline for information, a way to maintain control even after Camille had changed the locks and blocked his number.

"Thanks for checking in," she typed back carefully. "I'm actually doing better than I have in years." Her finger hovered over the send button, knowing this simple truth would soon make its way back to Gregory, triggering another wave of subtle tactics to pull her back into his orbit.

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Flying monkeys—a term drawn from The Wizard of Oz—are the enablers who carry out a narcissist's bidding, often unwittingly becoming instruments of manipulation and control. Like their fictional counterparts who served the Wicked Witch, these people extend the narcissist's reach, allowing them to hurt their targets while they pretend to be innocent. For victims of narcissistic abuse, recognizing these enablers is crucial to understanding the full scope of the manipulation they face and protecting their emotional wellbeing. Let's explore who flying monkeys are, why they participate in abuse dynamics, and how to navigate their presence in your recovery journey.

Recognizing Flying Monkey Behavior

When you're dealing with narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys often appear as concerned friends, family members, or acquaintances who seem to be acting independently but are actually serving the narcissist's agenda. Their involvement can intensify feelings of isolation and self-doubt for victims, making it essential to identify these patterns. Establishing and maintaining firm boundaries is vital when dealing with flying monkeys, as their actions can continuously undermine your sense of safety and control.

Examples of Flying Monkey Behaviors:

• Spreading Gossip or Lies: Sharing the narcissist's false narratives about the victim, such as claims that the victim is unstable, selfish, or the real problem in the relationship.

• Pressuring Reconciliation: Urging the victim to forgive or "make peace" with the narcissist, downplaying the abuse, and insisting "life is too short" or "family is everything."

• Invalidating the Victim's Experience: Dismissing the victim's feelings or accounts of abuse, often saying, "I don't believe they would ever do that," or "You're being dramatic."

• Spying or Reporting: Asking invasive questions or monitoring the victim's actions on behalf of the narcissist, then relaying the information back.

• Gaslighting: Convincing the victim they're overreacting or misremembering events, saying things like, "You're imagining things," or "That never happened."

Common Statements from Flying Monkeys:

Minimizing the Narcissist's Behavior:

"They didn't mean it that way; you're just sensitive."

"Everyone makes mistakes; why are you holding a grudge?"

Blaming the Victim:

"What did you do to upset them?"

"You always overreact to everything."

Appealing to Guilt:

"You know they're going through a lot right now."

"They're your [parent/sibling/partner]; you owe them another chance."

Defending the Narcissist:

"They're a good person deep down."

"You're misunderstanding them; they only want the best for you.”

“They're loving you the best way they know how."

Discrediting the Victim:

"You're acting paranoid."

"Other people don't see them that way, so maybe it's just you."

Recognizing these behaviors and statements can help victims set boundaries and avoid further emotional harm.

Understanding the Psychology: Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?

Many flying monkeys aren't inherently malicious—they've been skillfully recruited through the narcissist's manipulation. Understanding their motivations can help you respond with clarity rather than confusion or self-doubt.

Flying monkeys often have vulnerabilities that make them susceptible to manipulation:

• A strong desire to keep peace and avoid conflict

• Deep-seated fears of abandonment or rejection

• Personal insecurities that the narcissist has identified and exploited

• A tendency to doubt their own perceptions when challenged

• Past trauma or unresolved issues that cloud their judgment

• A belief system that prioritizes maintaining family ties at any cost

• A natural inclination to trust authority figures or charismatic personalities

Understanding these vulnerabilities can help victims view some flying monkeys with compassion while maintaining necessary boundaries. Many flying monkeys are themselves caught in the narcissist's web of manipulation, even if their actions cause harm.

Assessing a Flying Monkey's Potential for Change

Not all flying monkeys are equally committed to the narcissist's cause. Some may be open to seeing the truth of the situation with thoughtful intervention. Here are signs that someone might be receptive to understanding:

Positive Indicators:

• They express genuine concern for your wellbeing, even if misguided

• They ask questions and actually listen to your answers

• They show moments of doubt about the narcissist's version of events

• They have their own history of being manipulated or controlled

• They respond thoughtfully when presented with new information

• They've noticed inconsistencies in the narcissist's behavior but haven't fully processed them

• They maintain some independence from the narcissist rather than being completely enmeshed

• They have demonstrated the ability to change their mind when presented with evidence in other situations

Warning Signs (proceed with caution):

• They seem to enjoy causing drama or distress

• They consistently refuse to consider alternative perspectives

• They have a personal investment in maintaining the narcissist's power

• They show no empathy when you describe your experiences

• They actively participate in smear campaigns with enthusiasm

• They defend abusive behavior as acceptable or normal

No one is funding my writing. If this saves you a therapy appointment, feel free to buy me donuts: Venmo @ellentift

Reaching Out to Flying Monkeys

If you've identified someone who may be unknowingly acting as a flying monkey and shows signs of being open to understanding, sharing your perspective with them can be both challenging and potentially healing. The following letter template is designed to help them recognize their role and understand the impact of their actions.

Consider carefully whether and when to share this letter. Choose a time when the person seems most likely to be receptive and least defensive. You might preface it by saying something like, "I value our relationship and want to help you understand something important." Modify this letter to better fit your specific situation.

A Letter to Someone Who May Be Unknowingly Causing Harm

Dear Friend,

I'm writing to share something that may be difficult to understand, but I believe it's important for our relationship. It's possible that, without realizing it, you've become involved in a situation where your actions are unintentionally supporting someone who is manipulating others. I know you have good intentions, and that's why I'm reaching out.

When someone we trust or care about shares their struggles, it's natural to want to help them. We may find ourselves passing along messages, gathering information, or even encouraging others to reconnect. These actions feel supportive and kind, and they come from a place of wanting to help.

But sometimes, we can only see one side of a situation—the side that someone has carefully crafted to make themselves appear reasonable, hurt, or misunderstood. They might make the other person seem difficult, unreasonable, or unstable, and the story might make perfect sense from their perspective. What I'm asking you to consider, though, is this: Could it be that, despite your good intentions, your actions are unknowingly being used to continue a harmful cycle of control and manipulation?

For example, when you [specific example of their behavior], you might think you're helping fix a situation or supporting someone who is struggling. But in reality, you might be getting pulled into a pattern that causes deep pain for someone who is already trying to heal from a difficult situation. Every time you [another specific example], it makes it harder for me to maintain the boundaries I need for my own wellbeing. When you do these things, it makes me feel like I am reliving the abuse, and it causes me great pain. These actions make me feel betrayed and alone.

I know this may be hard to hear, and you might be thinking, "But they seem so sincere!" or "I've never seen them act abusively." That's the nature of manipulation—it's subtle, and abusive behaviors are often hidden from the view of others. People who engage in manipulation can present themselves very differently to different people, saving their harmful behaviors for private moments or behind closed doors.

I'm not asking you to choose sides or cut ties with anyone. What I'm asking is for you to:

• Stop passing information back and forth.

• Respect my boundaries when I say I can't engage.

• Consider that there might be things you don't see or understand.

• Trust that I have valid reasons for my choices, even if they don't make sense to you right now.

If you're open to learning more about this situation, I'm willing to share more about my experience, but even if you don't fully understand, I hope you'll respect my need for space and healing. You have the power to make choices that reflect your values and your own boundaries. I believe that, with this new understanding, you can make decisions that support healing rather than unintentionally perpetuating harm.

Your actions matter—they can either help in the healing process or contribute to the harm. I'm reaching out because I believe, once you understand the impact of your involvement, you'll choose healing.

With hope for understanding, [Name]

Preparing for Responses

After sharing this letter, be prepared for various reactions. Some people may need time to process what you've shared. Others might respond immediately with anything from genuine concern to defensive denial. Here's what to keep in mind:

If they respond positively:

• Thank them for being willing to listen and understand

• Be prepared to share specific examples if they ask, but don't feel pressured to reveal more than you're comfortable with

• Give them time to adjust their behavior; old habits may take time to change

If they respond with resistance:

• Remember that defensive reactions often come from their own discomfort or cognitive dissonance, and your safety, both emotional and potentially physical, is paramount.

• You don't need to defend or justify yourself further

• It's okay to say, "I understand this is a lot to take in. I'll give you space to think about what I've shared."

If they respond with hostility or relay the information to the narcissist:

• This confirms they weren't ready or willing to understand

• You've gained valuable information about where to set your boundaries

• Don't blame yourself; their reaction reflects their limitations, not your worth or the validity of your experience

• If it’s possible, you can discontinue any relationship with them

Self-Care While Dealing with Flying Monkeys

Confronting flying monkeys can be emotionally draining and may trigger feelings related to the original abuse. Prioritize your wellbeing throughout this process:

• Set clear boundaries about what information you share and with whom

• Practice grounding techniques when you feel overwhelmed by others' reactions

• Maintain connection with supportive people who validate your experience

• Document interactions if you're concerned about information being twisted

• Remember your truth even when others try to rewrite your reality

• Consider therapy with a trauma-informed professional familiar with narcissistic abuse

• Know when to disengage from unproductive or harmful conversations

In some situations, especially when dealing with close family members or friends who consistently act as flying monkeys, establishing no contact or very limited contact may be necessary. This can be an extremely difficult decision, but it is often essential for protecting your emotional and mental health. Prioritize your well-being by limiting your exposure to individuals who perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

Moving Forward

Remember that sending a letter like the one above is an act of hope and courage, but also of letting go. Once you've shared your truth, how others respond is beyond your control. Focus on protecting your own peace and continuing your healing journey, regardless of the outcome.

Recognizing flying monkeys in your life is a significant step toward understanding the full scope of narcissistic abuse and reclaiming your autonomy. Whether these enablers eventually come to understand their role or not, your awareness of these dynamics empowers you to make healthier choices about who deserves your trust and energy.

Your experience is valid, your boundaries are necessary, and your healing matters—regardless of who understands or accepts your experience.

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my forthcoming book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

About the Author

Ellen Tift is a university educator, informed voice in trauma recovery, and veteran musician. With nearly three decades as a music professor, she brings the same depth of dedication to her work on narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, and Complex PTSD as she does to her musical scholarship.

Her expertise in narcissistic dynamics stems from both extensive research and lived experience as a survivor. Having navigated the complex journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, she blends scholarly rigor with profound personal insight, offering readers both intellectual understanding and emotional validation.

A passionate educator at heart, she excels at translating complex psychological concepts into accessible, compassionate guidance for fellow survivors. Her work is the result of thousands of hours studying trauma research, consulting with mental health professionals, and engaging with survivor communities—all shaped by her dual perspective as both an academic and someone who has walked the healing path herself.

Her forthcoming book, “There’s A Word for That: A Survivor’s Guide to Narcissistic Abuse & Complex Trauma,” reflects her deep commitment to empowering others through knowledge, clarity, and compassion—skills honed through decades in higher education and personal recovery.