Brace Yourself! A Nervous System on Edge After Complex Trauma

Do you constantly brace yourself during everyday interactions? This bracing response is both understandable and exhausting. Let's talk about why it happens and what you can do to calm it.

The Fortress Within

(Listen to this with the triangle play button on Substack.)

Nakia’s New Glasses

Nakia stood outside the optometry office, her hand hovering over the door handle. That familiar tightening in her chest returned. She braced herself—for bad news about her vision, something irreversible she hadn't seen coming. She never knew when a medical appointment would blindside her. But, the optometrist was kind and the exam went smoothly.

When she returned to pick up her new glasses, she braced herself again—this time for the lenses to be wrong. They were. As she explained the double vision and blurring, she braced for the staff to dismiss her concerns or insist her eyes just needed time to adjust. Her stomach churned.

When they explained the issue to her, she fought back tears, repeating how she wasn’t seeing correctly. They said, “Yes, we’re explaining why you’re right.” Nakia had perceived that they were telling her she was wrong. The store agreed to have the lenses remade.

When the replacement lenses arrived, she braced herself for things to go wrong again. The lenses still weren’t right, and Nakia shakily explained so as she braced for pushback. A staff member gently encouraged her to try them for a couple of days and come back if needed. "Don't wait. Come back right away," they said.

At home, the frames pinched her nose, and wearing them felt like punishment. She felt a quiet shame for not choosing better frames, but these weren’t working. Nakia braced herself for the worst: that the store would refuse an exchange or insist on another lens tweak instead. But when she returned, they welcomed her. No resistance.

As she searched for new frames, she felt panic. She truly didn't like any other frames and didn't want to settle. She braced herself for pressure—to be told a pair looked amazing just so the staff could wrap things up. Instead, they said new inventory was arriving soon and invited her to return when there'd be more options.

When she asked about leaving the new glasses with them to hold until she could exchange them later, she braced herself for some deadline or other small print gotcha. They simply said, "No problem."

And when she asked, hesitantly, if she'd lose any of the money she'd already spent, she braced herself for bad news. "You won't," they assured her.

As she left, she still braced—for the glasses to be lost, for the store to deny she'd returned them, for everything to go wrong. And through all of it, Nakia never realized just how many times she'd braced herself. She only felt exhausted, jittery, and strangely ashamed.

How many times during the simple act of buying glasses did Nakia's nervous system go into high alert? To an outsider, it might look like a routine errand. But for those with complex trauma, the instinct to brace can show up everywhere. It becomes automatic—happening in the moments between thoughts, in the pause before a phone call, an email, a door opening.

In this article, we'll explore this hidden pattern—what it tells us, why it happens, and how we can begin to notice it in ourselves.

Recognizing When You're Bracing Yourself

Before we dive deeper into understanding this response, it's important to recognize that bracing yourself is information. Your nervous system is trying to tell you something, even when that information may be based on past experiences rather than current reality.

Mental signs often show up as: imagining worst-case scenarios; feeling like you need to have answers ready for every possible criticism; that sense of "here we go again" before interactions; planning what you'll say if things go wrong.

Emotional signs can look like: dreading routine appointments or conversations; feeling exhausted before challenging interactions even begin; that heavy feeling of expecting disappointment or conflict, slight panic or the urge to cry.

Physical signs might include: tension in your shoulders, jaw, or stomach; shallow breathing or holding your breath; feeling like you need to brace for impact; that familiar tightening sensation in your chest or throat.

Even rest isn’t exempt. Sleep-related bracing, which is both mental and physical, is also common but often overlooked. You might find yourself dreading bedtime, bracing for nightmares or insomnia, or feeling vulnerable about the loss of consciousness that comes with sleep. Some people brace against their own dreams or worry about what might happen while they're not alert. Bracing against sleep creates a cruel paradox: the vigilance meant to protect you erodes the very rest needed to heal.

The key insight is that your nervous system doesn't distinguish between remembering past threats and anticipating future ones. When you're bracing yourself, part of your brain is treating a potential future event as if it's happening right now. This is why you can feel drained after worrying about something that never actually occurred.

Affirmation: When I notice I'm bracing myself, that's useful information.

Understanding Your Inner Fortress

If you've lived through complex trauma, betrayal, or chronic mistreatment, your nervous system has learned to treat the world like a battlefield. Your body has become like a fortress, always preparing for the next siege—even when you're doing common, mundane things.

The fortress metaphor helps us understand how trauma shapes our responses. Just like a medieval fortress was designed to protect against very real threats, your nervous system built protective walls based on actual dangers you experienced. The drawbridge stays up, guards remain posted on the walls, emergency supplies are stockpiled, and every approaching figure gets treated as a potential threat.

The exhausting reality is that your fortress served its purpose during actual attacks, but now it can struggle to distinguish between friend and foe. Your nervous system, brilliant as it is at keeping you alive, can have difficulty updating its threat assessment when your circumstances change.

For many survivors, this entire process happens completely below conscious awareness. You might (or might not) notice the physical symptoms—tight shoulders, shallow breathing, a knot in your stomach—without connecting them to this protective stance your nervous system has automatically adopted.

This isn't weakness or paranoia. This is your system trying to protect you based on what it has learned about the world. For people with complex PTSD, this constant state of bracing can be one of the most persistent symptoms, because unlike PTSD from a single traumatic event, complex trauma teaches your system that danger can come from anywhere, at any time.

It's easy to fall into the trap of self-judgment when you notice yourself bracing. You might think, "I should be over this by now." But this critical voice only adds another layer of burden to an already exhausted system. Judging your protective responses is like getting frustrated with a fortress for maintaining its walls during peacetime—that frustration doesn't help your nervous system learn that current conditions might be safer, and it overlooks the very real reasons they were built in the first place. Instead, offering yourself curiosity and compassion can begin to shift your relationship with this automatic response.

Affirmation: My body learned to protect me for good reasons. I can appreciate my body for helping me.

The Many Contexts Where Bracing Shows Up

Bracing yourself isn't just about physical tension, though that's often how it shows up in your body. This protective response can look like many different things across different areas of your life, and it often operates on multiple levels simultaneously—most of which happen without your conscious awareness.

Important note: Many of these behaviors also have practical benefits and aren't inherently problematic. They can be reasonable, pragmatic, and wise. The key is noticing when these responses feel automatic, overwhelming, or disproportionate to the actual situation.

Emotional Bracing: You might brace yourself before every phone call with certain people, your stomach tightening as you anticipate how they’ll treat you. Perhaps you find yourself rehearsing conversations before they happen, trying to prepare for every possible way things could go wrong. You catch yourself holding your breath when someone says they need to talk to you, automatically assuming it's bad news.

Resource Bracing: This shows up as stockpiling household items, or holding onto things you might need someday. Your system learned that resources can disappear without warning, so it prepares accordingly. Financial bracing might look like dreading checking bank statements, avoiding opening bills, or feeling panicked about spending money even on necessities. This can be practical wisdom, but becomes problematic when it's driven by panic rather than planning. And again, the focus isn’t on the behavior, but rather the nervous system’s bracing response to the context.

Social Bracing: You walk into a room and immediately feel an aversion to certain people. You may notice where the exits are, or what the mood feels like. You might find yourself over-analyzing text messages, looking for hidden meanings or signs that someone is upset with you. In conversations, part of you is scanning for judgment, rejection, or conflict—even with people you generally trust.

Internal Bracing: If you've experienced times when your emotions felt too big to handle, you might brace yourself against your own feelings. You approach situations that could be emotionally activating—like medical appointments, difficult conversations, or even positive events—with part of you already steeling against the possibility of falling apart.

The challenge is that your nervous system treats the possibility of conflict with equal urgency as an actual emergency happening right now. This is why you can feel drained after what should have been routine interactions—your system was working overtime to keep you safe from dangers that never materialized.

Affirmation: I can notice without judgment when my body gets ready for trouble, even when there might not be any. This kept me safe in the past.

No one is funding my writing. If this saves you the cost of a therapy appointment, feel free to buy me a sandwich: Venmo @ellentift

When Your Nervous System Points to Specific Dangers

One of the most valuable insights about bracing responses is this: if you consistently find yourself bracing around a specific person or in a particular setting, your nervous system is giving you important information. This isn't random anxiety—it's your internal warning system detecting patterns of threat that your conscious mind might not have fully recognized yet. If you take nothing else away from this article, this may be the most essential point. Repeatedly bracing yourself for how a specific person is going to treat you, when it is then followed by them doing what you feared, is a major sign of an unsafe relationship.

Your Body as an Early Warning System

Pay attention to patterns. Do you always feel tense before family dinners with certain relatives? Does your stomach clench every time you see a particular coworker's name in your inbox? Do you find yourself bracing before entering specific buildings, attending certain meetings, or interacting with particular friends?

These consistent responses aren't coincidence—they're intelligence. Your nervous system has detected something your conscious mind might be trying to rationalize away. Maybe that family member makes subtle digs at you. Perhaps that coworker constantly undermines your contributions. That friend might have a pattern of turning conversations back to themselves or dismissing your concerns.

Sometimes your bracing is completely accurate. If you consistently brace around someone, there's often a very good reason. Trust this information—your nervous system is sophisticated and picks up on patterns your conscious mind might miss or dismiss.

STRATEGY: Questions to Ask Yourself

Rather than immediately dismissing your responses, try exploring them with curiosity:

• "Do I feel this way with most people or just this person?"

• "What specifically happens in our interactions that leaves me feeling drained or on edge?"

• "Do I feel worse about myself after spending time with them?"

• "What would I tell a friend who described this pattern to me?"

• "If I imagined never needing to worry about this person again, how would that feel in my body?"

The Difference Between General Anxiety and Targeted Responses

General anxiety tends to show up across many situations and feels more like background static. Targeted bracing is specific—it happens consistently with certain people or in particular contexts, and it often feels more intense and focused than generalized worry.

If you notice yourself bracing significantly more around specific individuals, this could indicate:

• Subtle manipulation or emotional abuse you haven't fully acknowledged

• Power dynamics that feel threatening to your nervous system

• Past negative experiences with this person that your body remembers even if your mind has "moved on"

• Inconsistent behavior from this person that keeps your system on high alert

• Boundary violations that happen so gradually you haven't consciously registered them

• Reminders of past harmful relationships or situations - this person might share characteristics, mannerisms, or roles (like authority figures) that your nervous system associates with past danger, even if they personally haven't done anything wrong

What to Do With This Information

When you can create distance: If you’ve determined that your bracing is in fact a response to this person’s behavior, sometimes recognizing this pattern gives you permission to limit contact with people or avoid situations that consistently trigger your protective responses. This isn't being "oversensitive"—it's being mindful of valuable data your nervous system is providing.

When you can't create distance: Sometimes the person triggering your bracing is a family member, boss, or someone you can't avoid. In these cases, the information is still valuable—it helps you prepare, set internal boundaries, and recognize that your responses are appropriate rather than overreactions.

Trusting Your Nervous System's Wisdom

Your nervous system picks up on micro-expressions, tone changes, body language, and patterns that your conscious mind might miss or dismiss. If you consistently brace around someone who seems "nice" on the surface, consider that your body might be detecting something important. Covert manipulation, passive-aggression, or subtle boundary violations can all trigger protective responses even when you can't articulate exactly what's wrong.

This doesn't mean everyone who triggers your nervous system is dangerous—sometimes you might be responding to reminders of past trauma rather than current threats. But it does mean this information is worth exploring rather than dismissing. Sometimes bracing happens around anniversary dates, certain seasons, or situations that remind your system of past danger even when there's no current threat present.

Affirmation: My body gives me useful information about people and situations. I can trust these signals while also staying curious about what they mean.

It's Not for No Reason

Let's be absolutely clear about something: if you find yourself constantly bracing for the worst, it's not for no reason. This phrase bears repeating because too often, survivors are told they're "overreacting" or "being paranoid" or "catastrophizing." But your nervous system didn't develop these responses in a vacuum. If there were no real threats, no fortresses would exist. Nobody ever said, “I think we should use up extensive resources, time, and energy to build a giant wall around ourselves,” without understanding the horrors of war. Fortress building is an intelligent strategy not just for “funsies”. The same applies to our bracing reflex.

Your protective walls were built stone by stone, experience by experience. Maybe you grew up with a parent whose mood could shift without warning, leaving you constantly scanning for signs of the next storm. Perhaps you've been in relationships where kindness was followed by cruelty, where you learned that letting your guard down meant getting hurt. Maybe you've experienced medical trauma—doctors who dismissed your concerns, diagnoses that came out of nowhere, treatments that felt more harmful than healing.

Each time someone violated your trust, each time you were blindsided by bad news, each time you were made to feel like your needs didn't matter—these became the motivation for using your precious resources in a protective response. The fact that you brace yourself now is evidence of your awareness and intelligence, not your weakness.

When Trauma Shapes Your Nervous System

This is especially true for those who experienced childhood trauma or adverse childhood experiences. When you're young and your nervous system is still developing, repeated exposure to unpredictability, neglect, or abuse teaches your system that the world is fundamentally unsafe. Your brain literally wires itself for survival in a hostile environment. This wiring doesn't just disappear when you become an adult or when you leave dangerous situations—it becomes part of how your system automatically responds to the world.

For many survivors, the bracing response isn't just about expecting danger—it's rooted in deeper beliefs about their own worth. Years of invalidation, neglect, or abuse can create an internalized sense that you don't deserve good treatment, that your needs don't matter, or that you're somehow fundamentally flawed. When you brace for mistreatment, part of you might not just be preparing for random bad luck, but expecting the inevitable consequences of being 'not enough.' These assumptions run deep and take time to heal, but recognizing them is the first step toward challenging their hold on your nervous system.

These internalized messages aren't the bracing response itself—that's your nervous system's automatic reaction. But this mental programming creates the backdrop that makes your nervous system more likely to activate and stay activated, like background code that makes your threat detection system more sensitive.

These foundational beliefs about self-worth and shame are enormous factors in trauma recovery, but exploring them fully is beyond the scope of this article (but deeply discussed in my other articles). For now, we'll focus specifically on understanding and working with the bracing response itself, knowing that addressing these deeper beliefs is often a crucial part of the larger healing journey.

The Reality of Ongoing Threats

The intersections of identity and marginalization can intensify this response as well. If you belong to groups that face systemic discrimination or violence, your nervous system has additional layers of legitimate threat to navigate. Your responses aren't just protecting against personal trauma—they're also responding to very real dangers in a world that may not feel safe for you.

A Black woman's nervous system might be responding to the documented realities of racism and sexism in addition to personal trauma history. For neurodivergent individuals, additional layers of misunderstanding, sensory challenges, or cognitive differences can contribute to protective responses. The more marginalized groups a person identifies with, the narrower their zone of safety is. A neurodivergent women of color who is LGBTQIA+ faces more tangible adversity than those not in the minority. This isn't paranoia—it's your system protecting you based on real patterns of harm.

It's important to acknowledge that sometimes, unfortunately, the worst-case scenarios you brace yourself for actually do happen. People do betray trust. Medical professionals do dismiss legitimate concerns. Financial security can disappear overnight. Relationships can end without warning. Your nervous system isn't being irrational when it prepares for these possibilities—it's being realistic based on lived experience. Again, it’s not for no reason. If there were no real threats, no fortresses would exist.

Affirmation: My vigilance isn’t paranoia—it’s wisdom forged in a world that hasn’t always kept me safe.

The Hidden Costs of Constant Alert

While your protective responses have served important functions, living in a constant state of readiness comes with costs that aren't always obvious at first. Understanding these costs isn't about judging yourself for having these responses—it's about recognizing the full impact so you can make informed choices about how you want to move forward.

Physical Exhaustion: Your body wasn't designed to maintain high alert indefinitely. Chronic muscle tension, especially in your shoulders, neck, and jaw, can become so familiar you don't even notice it anymore. You might experience headaches, digestive issues, or sleep problems—all symptoms of a nervous system that can't fully relax. Some survivors describe feeling like they're running a marathon even on days when they barely leave the house, because the internal work of constant vigilance is genuinely exhausting.

Emotional Dampening: When you're always bracing for the worst, it becomes harder to fully experience joy, excitement, or hope. You might find yourself automatically tempering positive emotions—if something good happens, part of you is already preparing for when it ends or goes wrong. This emotional numbing can leave you feeling disconnected from your own life, like you're watching it happen from behind protective glass.

Relationship Strain: When you're always ready for conflict or disappointment, it can be hard for others to get close. You might find yourself testing relationships unconsciously, waiting for people to prove they're safe or expecting them to eventually disappoint you. Sometimes this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy—your protective behaviors can push away the very connections you're longing for.

For parents, this can create additional layers of concern. You might find yourself bracing around your children's safety, school situations, or social interactions. There's also the worry about passing protective responses to your children—wanting to keep them safe without transferring your own fears. This balancing act can be exhausting and guilt-inducing. It can also rob parents of the ability to be present and enjoy sweet moments with their kids. Time they can never get back.

Limited Choices: Decision-making becomes complicated when you're operating from a place of constant caution. You might find yourself avoiding opportunities because the potential for disappointment feels too risky, or choosing the "safe" option even when it's not what you really want. Over time, a life built primarily on avoiding potential threats can feel constricted and unfulfilling.

Difficulty Advocating for Yourself: Perhaps most significantly, constant bracing can interfere with your ability to advocate for your own needs. When you expect bad treatment, you might settle for less than you deserve or fail to speak up when something isn't right. You might find yourself accepting situations that don't work for you because challenging them feels too dangerous, or because you've learned to expect that your needs don't matter anyway.

Affirmation: I understand why my body stays alert, and I can be gentle with myself about how tiring this is.

When Protection Becomes Limitation

There comes a point in many survivors' healing journeys when the very strategies that once protected them begin to feel limiting. Like a fortress that was built during wartime but now struggles to open its gates, unable to trust that peacetime exists, your protective responses might be operating as if threats from the past are still present dangers. This isn't a failure of your system—it's actually a sign that you're healing enough to notice the difference between past danger and present reality.

Consider Marcus, a survivor of workplace bullying who now works for a company with more supportive leadership. While his new workplace isn't perfect—there are still politics, deadlines, and occasional tensions—it's fundamentally different from his previous toxic environment. Yet he still finds himself bracing before every team meeting, preparing for personal attacks that, while theoretically possible, are much less likely in his current context. His protective responses are still calibrated for his previous situation, preventing him from fully engaging with the opportunities and relationships available to him now.

The Automatic Nature of Trauma Responses

The challenging thing about trauma responses is that they're automatic and often unconscious. Your nervous system doesn't pause to check whether the current situation actually resembles past threats—it just responds based on what it has learned to expect. This is why you might feel foolish for bracing yourself in situations that your thinking mind knows are relatively safe. Your conscious understanding hasn't necessarily updated your nervous system's programming.

When Avoidance Takes Over

If the brace response becomes so overwhelming that you start avoiding situations entirely, this can result in compounding the fear around them. Avoiding things means you never get to update your nervous system's information about current safety.

The Challenge of Fatigue

There's the phenomenon of becoming so exhausted from constant alertness that your system swings to the opposite extreme—hypervigilance fatigue. You might find yourself shutting down completely, unable to assess actual risks appropriately. This can be just as problematic as excessive vigilance, leaving you vulnerable in situations where some caution would actually be warranted.

There's also what might be called "working on yourself" fatigue—the exhaustion that comes from constantly trying to manage your trauma responses. Sometimes you just want to exist without having to monitor and adjust your nervous system all the time. This tiredness is completely understandable and doesn't mean you're failing at healing.

Whether you're dealing with hypervigilance fatigue or healing fatigue, the underlying challenge is the same. The key insight here is that noticing when your protection has become limiting isn't about abandoning your defenses—it's about helping your system learn when it's okay to relax a little. Your fortress can learn to lower the drawbridge when appropriate while maintaining its ability to raise it quickly if real danger appears.

Affirmation: I can appreciate how my protection served me and notice when it might not fit my current life.

Beyond Personal Relationships: Navigating Systems and Institutions

Your protective responses don't just activate in personal relationships—they also respond to institutions, systems, and cultural dynamics that may have caused harm or felt threatening. Like a fortress that must defend against not just individual attackers but also organized armies, your nervous system responds to the complex power structures and systemic patterns it encounters.

Sometimes you might find multiple people in your environment triggering your bracing responses simultaneously—whether it's several family members, coworkers, or people in your social circle—which can feel overwhelming and make it harder to identify specific patterns. Understanding this broader context can help you recognize why certain environments trigger your bracing response even when the individual people seem safe.

Workplace Dynamics

In workplace settings, you might find yourself bracing in response to power dynamics, performance reviews, or organizational changes. If you've experienced workplace bullying, discrimination, or sudden job loss, your system might prepare for similar threats in new employment situations. This can show up as difficulty speaking up in meetings, over-preparing for routine tasks, or feeling anxious about taking time off.

For workplace situations, you might need scripts like: "I'd like to follow up on this in writing so I make sure I understand correctly" or "I want to make sure I'm meeting expectations. Can we schedule a brief check-in next week?" Be aware that in toxic workplaces, asking for clarification can sometimes be used against you, so trust your instincts about when and how to advocate for yourself.

Healthcare Systems

Medical settings are common triggers for bracing responses, and for good reason. Medical trauma, dismissive providers, unexpected diagnoses, and financial concerns about treatment can all contribute to your system viewing healthcare as potentially dangerous. This extends beyond routine appointments to medical procedures like dental work, blood draws, or any situation involving physical vulnerability or loss of control. This is compounded for people from marginalized communities who face documented disparities in medical care and may have legitimate reasons to expect dismissive or inadequate treatment.

In medical settings: "I want to make sure I understand my options. Can you walk me through what happens if we don't do this treatment?" or "I'd like to get a second opinion before moving forward."

Educational and Religious Institutions

Educational environments can trigger responses for survivors of childhood trauma or those who experienced discrimination in academic settings. You might find yourself bracing when interacting with authority figures or feeling activated by competitive environments that remind your system of past struggles. Students with learning differences like dyslexia or dysgraphia often develop patterns of bracing for grades, test results, or being called on in class. Years of academic struggle—knowing you're intelligent but finding certain tasks inexplicably difficult—can create ongoing expectations of criticism or failure that extend well beyond school.

Religious and spiritual communities can present particular challenges if you've experienced spiritual abuse, religious trauma, or judgment from faith communities. The vulnerability required for spiritual connection can feel dangerous to a nervous system that learned to associate trust with harm.

Government and Legal Systems

Interactions with bureaucratic systems, legal processes, or authority figures can activate protective responses based on both personal trauma and collective experiences of marginalization. Your nervous system might be responding not just to your individual history, but to generations of documented harm against people who share your identity.

Digital Spaces and Social Media

Online environments can keep you in a constant state of bracing. The potential for public criticism, harassment, or having your words taken out of context can trigger the same protective responses as face-to-face threats. The permanence and reach of online interactions can make your system feel like any mistake or conflict could have lasting consequences.

Affirmation: My responses make sense, all things considered.

Working With Your Nervous System: Practical Strategies

The goal isn't to eliminate your protective responses—it's to help your nervous system respond more accurately. Just like you don’t completely dismantle a fortress in the absence of a visible enemy, the intention isn’t to eradicate your intuition. Your responses developed for good reasons and served important functions. Rather than trying to eliminate them, the healthiest approach is often to work with your nervous system to help it distinguish between past trauma and present reality.

These aren't one-size-fits-all solutions, but rather concrete options you can experiment with to see what works for your unique situation and nervous system. It’s wise to document these in one place so when you’re triggered and not able to think as clearly, you only need to remember to look for one note rather than try to remember each technique.

STRATEGY: Building Awareness

The first step is building awareness of when you're bracing yourself. This often starts with noticing the physical sensations. Some survivors find it helpful to do brief body scans throughout the day, simply checking in with what they're feeling physically. You're not trying to change anything at first—just noticing what's happening.

Many people find it helpful to name the experience when they notice it: "I'm bracing myself right now" or "I'm getting ready for something to go wrong." This simple act of conscious recognition can begin to create space between the automatic response and your conscious choice about how to proceed.

STRATEGY: Developing Curiosity Instead of Judgment

Instead of "Why am I being so paranoid?" try "What is my system trying to protect me from right now?" This shift from self-criticism to self-compassion can help you understand the intelligence behind your protective responses, even when they might not be necessary in the current moment.

If you have someone safe to talk to, you might say: "I notice I'm expecting this to go badly, and I'm wondering if that's based on past experiences rather than what's likely to happen now. What do you think?" However, if you don't have anyone you feel safe asking, AI tools can sometimes help you reality-test your concerns—though remember that AI can't replace human connection or professional support when you need it.

STRATEGY: Grounding in Present Reality

When you notice you're bracing yourself, try grounding techniques to help your nervous system recognize the difference between past danger and current safety. This might involve looking around and naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear. You're essentially updating your system's information about where and when you are.

Sometimes it can help to remind yourself: "This anxiety in my body is not about this moment—it's about what my system learned to expect from past experiences."

STRATEGY: Working with Your Breath

Breathing techniques can be particularly helpful because breath is one of the few aspects of the nervous system you can consciously influence. When you notice you're bracing, try extending your exhale to be longer than your inhale. This activates your calming (parasympathetic) nervous system—the part responsible for rest and relaxation. You're not trying to force calm, just offering your system a different option.

STRATEGY: Creating Safety Anchors

Physical anchors can help ground you when you notice you're bracing. Keep a smooth stone in your pocket that you can touch during difficult conversations. Wear a piece of jewelry that reminds you of your strength or someone who loves you. Some people carry a small photo or keep a playlist of three specific songs that feel calming and grounding.

Sensory anchors work with your nervous system directly. Keep a small container of peppermint oil or a familiar scent with you—smell engages a different part of your brain and can help interrupt the stress response. Some people find that holding an ice cube or drinking something warm helps their system recognize they're in the present moment, not reliving the past.

STRATEGY: Pre-Exposure Routines

Before medical appointments: Take five minutes to sit in your car and remind yourself of three true things: "I have survived difficult medical situations before. I can ask questions if something doesn't make sense. I can leave if I need to." If you're prone to freezing up, write down your main concerns beforehand so you don't forget them under stress.

Before difficult phone calls: Do three deep breaths where your exhale is longer than your inhale. Have a glass of water nearby—staying hydrated helps your nervous system function better. If possible, stand or walk during the call rather than sitting, which can help you feel less trapped.

Before challenging conversations: Remind yourself of one specific example of a time when you handled a difficult situation well. Have a simple exit strategy planned: "I need to think about this before responding" or "Let me get back to you on that." Give yourself permission to end the conversation if it becomes harmful.

For any of these situations, you might say: "I want to make sure I understand this correctly. Can you explain that again?" This gives you time to process without making yourself vulnerable.

Recovery from false alarms: When you've braced for something that turned out fine, be gentle with yourself. Your nervous system was doing its job based on past information. Thank it for trying to protect you, then do something soothing to help discharge the unused energy.

STRATEGY: Recovery and Discharge Practices

Immediate recovery: After situations that require high alertness, your nervous system needs to discharge the built-up energy. This might look like going for a walk, doing jumping jacks in a private space, or even shaking your hands and arms (your nervous system naturally wants to discharge through movement).

Same-day recovery: Plan something nurturing for after challenging interactions, even if it's just ten minutes of listening to music you love or calling someone who makes you laugh. If you're too drained for active recovery, that's okay too—sometimes recovery looks like lying down with a soft blanket and letting yourself rest.

Longer-term recovery: If you know you'll be dealing with ongoing stress (like a difficult medical situation or job transition), build in regular recovery practices. This might mean scheduling a massage every two weeks, having a weekly coffee date with a supportive friend, or committing to one hour of nature time each weekend.

STRATEGY: Scripts for Common Situations

When you need time to process: "I need a few minutes to think about this. Can we continue this conversation in [specific timeframe]?" This is much safer than saying you're overwhelmed, which some people might exploit.

When you're being pressured to make quick decisions: "I have a personal rule that I don't make important decisions on the spot. When do you need an answer?" This establishes that you have boundaries without being defensive.

When someone is dismissing your concerns: "Help me understand why you think that's not a problem" rather than "You're wrong" or "That's not my experience." This puts the burden on them to explain their reasoning.

For parents explaining to children: "My body is feeling worried about something that happened before, not something happening now. You're safe, and I'm working on helping my worry feelings calm down." Or "Sometimes grown-ups get nervous about things because of old memories. This isn't about you—you're doing great."

STRATEGY: Building Support Networks (Even When You Feel Isolated)

If you have some supportive relationships: Practice asking for specific, small types of support rather than general emotional support. "Can you help me think through whether I'm being reasonable about this situation?"

If you feel completely isolated: Online support communities for trauma survivors can provide validation and reality-testing, though be cautious about groups that focus primarily on venting without offering hope or practical strategies. AI chatbots can sometimes help you work through whether your concerns are proportionate to the situation, though they can't replace human connection when you really need it.

Building new connections slowly: Look for low-stakes ways to connect with others around shared interests rather than trauma. Volunteering, hobby groups, or classes can provide social contact without requiring vulnerability. Trust can be built gradually through consistent, small positive interactions rather than deep emotional sharing. (It’s okay if you don’t have the emotional energy for this. You don’t need to override what your body is telling you feels safe.)

It’s important to remember that "safe" doesn't always mean "perfect." For survivors of complex trauma, finding individuals or communities that are "safe enough" is a significant step. This means relationships where there is a general sense of respect and care, even if occasional misunderstandings or minor conflicts occur. It acknowledges that absolute, unwavering safety might be an unrealistic expectation in a complex world, and that healing often involves learning to navigate the imperfections of human connection with increased resilience. The focus shifts from seeking flawless security to discerning environments and people where your nervous system can incrementally learn to relax and trust, knowing you can still advocate for yourself if needed.

STRATEGY: Somatic Practices for Nervous System Regulation

Movement that feels good: This doesn't have to be formal exercise. Dancing to one favorite song, doing gentle stretches, or even just walking around your living space can help your nervous system remember what relaxation feels like in your body.

Temperature regulation: Take warm baths or cool showers when your system feels activated. Apply a cold washcloth to your wrists or back of your neck, or hold something warm like a mug of tea. Splashing cold water around your eyes, activating the calming (parasympathetic) nervous system, which helps calm anxiety or panic (mammalian dive reflex). Some people find that wrapping up in a weighted blanket provides the pressure their system craves for feeling safe and contained.

Mindful attention to safety: When you're in a genuinely safe space, practice noticing that safety. "Right now, in this moment, I am safe. My door is locked, I have food in my refrigerator, no one is yelling at me." This helps your nervous system remember what safety actually feels like.

Affirmation: I can work with my body instead of fighting it. My body and I are on the same side.

Moving Forward: Integration and Hope

Healing from trauma doesn't mean your protective responses disappear—it means they become more flexible and responsive to actual current conditions rather than past dangers. Like a fortress’s defenses being adjusted based on the current political climate rather than maintaining wartime protocols during peaceful periods, your nervous system can develop more nuanced responses. This is a gradual process that requires patience with yourself and recognition that setbacks are normal parts of the journey, not signs of failure.

Learning to Hold Multiple Truths

Integration means holding multiple truths simultaneously. You can acknowledge that your protective responses developed for good reasons while also recognizing when they might be limiting your current life. You can appreciate your system's vigilance while also working to expand its capacity to recognize safety. You can be both appropriately cautious and open to possibility.

Many survivors find that their relationship with their protective responses evolves over time. What once felt like a prison can gradually become more like information from a security system—still present and protective, but not constantly activated. Your nervous system can learn to trust your conscious mind's assessment of current safety while maintaining its ability to respond quickly to actual threats.

Practical Integration Steps

Expanding your comfort zone carefully: This isn't about forcing yourself into situations that feel genuinely dangerous. Instead, it's about gradually testing whether your current environment might be safer than your nervous system believes. This could mean spending a few extra minutes at social gatherings before leaving, trying one new restaurant despite anxiety about unfamiliar environments, or sharing something small and positive with someone you're beginning to trust.

Important note: This expansion should always honor your gut instincts about actual safety. If something feels wrong, that information is valuable. The goal is to distinguish between "this feels unfamiliar" and "this actually isn't safe." When in doubt, it's always wise to err on the side of caution while you're learning to make these distinctions. Sometimes what feels like progress means staying in uncomfortable but not dangerous situations long enough to see that they don't actually harm you.

Developing flexibility: You may be reading this and a part of you is screaming, “But it’s not safe to feel safe!” Consider an incremental mindset. Some survivors find it helpful to think of developing a "dimmer switch" for their protective responses rather than an on/off button. This means learning to adjust your level of alertness based on the actual situation rather than being stuck at maximum alert or completely undefended. Different situations may warrant different levels of caution, and that's perfectly normal and healthy. Over time, with patience and practice, some survivors notice their nervous system becoming more responsive to current context rather than past experiences. This isn't something you can force or control directly, but rather something that may gradually develop as you practice the strategies that work with your system.

The Role of Community in Healing

Building a life that honors both your need for safety and your desire for connection requires ongoing attention and self-compassion. There will be days when your protective responses feel overwhelming and days when you feel proud of how far you've come. Both experiences are valid parts of the healing process.

It's important to remember that healing happens in the context of relationships. While personal work is essential, trauma fundamentally affects our ability to connect with others, and healing often requires safe relationships where you can practice letting your guard down gradually. This might involve therapy, support groups, chosen family (vs. biological), or spiritual communities—wherever you can experience being seen and accepted, protective responses and all. Truthfully, you’re most likely to find this among other CPTSD survivors who are actively pursuing their own healing.

Realistic Expectations

There is no timeline for this healing, no endpoint where you'll be "done" managing trauma responses. What changes is your relationship with these responses and your skill in working with them rather than being controlled by them. Progress might look like noticing you're bracing yourself without immediately judging yourself for it, or being able to reality-test your concerns with trusted people or even AI tools when human support isn't available.

The goal isn't to become someone who never braces themselves—it's to become someone who can distinguish between appropriate caution and trauma-based fear, someone who can protect themselves while also remaining open to connection and possibility. Your protective responses are part of your story, part of your strength, and part of what has helped you survive to be here now.

Using Your Wisdom to Help Others

For many survivors, part of integration involves finding ways to use their hard-won wisdom to help others. Your understanding of trauma responses, your ability to recognize danger, your skill in preparation and protection—these can become gifts you offer to your community while still taking care of your own needs.

The protective responses that once helped you survive trauma can become the foundation for a life that's both safe and meaningful. Not by eliminating them, but by teaching your nervous system to recognize that while the world can be dangerous, it also contains beauty, connection, and possibility worth the risk of remaining open to.

Affirmation: I can be both careful and hopeful.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider seeking professional support if your bracing responses are significantly interfering with your daily life, relationships, or goals. Look for therapists specifically trained in trauma treatment—credentials to look for include certification in EMDR, somatic experiencing, trauma-focused CBT, or internal family systems therapy.

Seek immediate help if you're having thoughts of self-harm, if you're unable to function in daily activities, or if you're using substances to manage your responses. Crisis hotlines (like 988 in the US), emergency services, or urgent mental health clinics can provide immediate support while you work on finding longer-term care.

Trust your instincts about therapeutic relationships. A good trauma therapist will understand why you might be bracing yourself even in therapy and will work at a pace that feels manageable to you. If a therapist dismisses your responses as "overreacting" or pushes you to "get over" your trauma, that's a sign to find a better therapist.

Group therapy or support groups specifically for trauma survivors can provide valuable community and normalization of your experiences. Online communities can also be helpful, though be cautious about groups that focus primarily on trauma stories without offering hope or practical strategies.

Additional considerations: If you're dealing with ongoing safety concerns, legal issues, or need help navigating systems like healthcare or workplace situations, consider looking for therapists who have experience with these specific challenges. Some therapists specialize in helping clients prepare for difficult medical procedures, workplace conflicts, or legal proceedings.

Your fortress was built for good reasons, and it has served you well. Now you have the opportunity to help it evolve from a structure built purely for surviving imminent danger into a foundation that supports you in creating a life where you can be both safe and free. This work often includes not just updating your nervous system's threat assessment, but also challenging those deeper beliefs about your worth that may be fueling your expectation of mistreatment. This is sacred work, requiring tremendous courage and self-compassion. You are worth the effort it takes to create a life where you can navigate the world with both appropriate caution and genuine hope—and you deserve to be treated well.

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my forthcoming book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

About the Author

Ellen Tift is a university educator, informed voice in trauma recovery, and veteran musician. With nearly three decades as a music professor, she brings the same depth of dedication to her work on narcissistic abuse, betrayal trauma, and Complex PTSD as she does to her musical scholarship.

Her expertise in narcissistic dynamics stems from both extensive research and lived experience as a survivor. Having navigated the complex journey of healing from narcissistic abuse, she blends scholarly rigor with profound personal insight, offering readers both intellectual understanding and emotional validation.

A passionate educator at heart, she excels at translating complex psychological concepts into accessible, compassionate guidance for fellow survivors. Her work is the result of thousands of hours studying trauma research, consulting with mental health professionals, and engaging with survivor communities—all shaped by her dual perspective as both an academic and someone who is walking the healing path herself.

Her forthcoming book, “There’s A Word for That: A Survivor’s Guide to Narcissistic Abuse & Complex Trauma,” reflects her deep commitment to empowering others through knowledge, clarity, and compassion—skills honed through decades in higher education and personal recovery.